Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
