A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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