i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
