i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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