I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
