New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
