Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
