Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
