The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
