wrigley field is MILF paradise
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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