Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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