i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
