I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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