I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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