yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
