I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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