I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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