if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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