turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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