Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.