Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
