Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
