i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
