Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
