Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He passed out mid-signature
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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