I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
