my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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