when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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