I'm so fucking centered right now
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
