just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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