I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
