I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
