i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
