You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
