I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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