i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
