P.S. I can't hear my feet
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
