Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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