we have officially lost it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
