You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
