my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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