Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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