Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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