My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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