Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
