guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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