You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
