sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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