I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
