Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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