I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
