Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
