I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
