I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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