He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just googled if crying burns calories
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
