Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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