so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
