It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
