I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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