NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
