all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
