Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
